..:: 345. The One With Depression ::..

Friday night was the last night i have with ah ma. I chose to stay up the whole night, let my dad and my relatives sleep as they had been kept busy since tuesday. My coursemates had a 5-hr stand-by bed and area that led to them having to book out on sat morning, instead of fri night. Then, heard lots of stories or rather updates for the week from my 2 buddies...

I was quite disgusted to know that my OC actually yelled at my instructor who gave me leave till sat. Why so long? i mean, i wanted to go back on thur but wasnt allowed as it was live firing and i might not be able to concentrate. Fair enough... Fri was important as it was last day of prayers so obviously i cant book in. Tue i booked out to see my ah ma in icu who fought on till wed when she had seen everyone she wanted... So now tell me which part of the compassionate leave that you think is too long? I know that the OC maybe concerned that i might miss out a lot of things and he would not want to put me out of course for that. Maybe i'm just feeling sensitive and edgy...

Sat. where the journey ends. Everyone gathered to see ah ma off... As we put flowers on top of the coffin, to the dismantling of the tentage, to the coffin being lifted, there was lots of tears... I fought back my tears, believing that she would be able to rest in peace if i did not cry. As everyone walked behind the vehicle carrying the coffin, the music that came out from the vehicle, i was 'shattered'. The vehicle had to make a planned route which bypass my ah ma's house... Everytime after visiting her, she would stand at the window or the corridor to wave us goodbye as we head to take bus. I looked up at the window and i realised what i'm feeling now is exactly what she's feeling everytime she sees us home.

Mandai Crematorium and Columbarium. As we moved off, it started to rain heavily... I chose to believe that someone must be crying over her... I saw the digital screen showing the service hall number and the name of the deceased. I just shook my head and headed to SH 3. Inside we gave our last prayer and i could see water dripping down from the photoframe. it really looked like my ah ma was crying... Especially it was drop by drop and from her eyes...

The door of the furnace opened Didnt want to use incinerator as the dictionary mentioned 'wastes'... As the coffin inched automatically into the furnace, shrieks, yelling (you know what i mean) just came out uncontrollably... My auntie collapsed to the floor after yelling 'ah ma, rest in peace ar... you left us suddenly without giving us any warning...' and all the crying just amplified.

Till now, i think i am having some kind of depression. It goes on and off... Perhaps it's the guilt? or perhaps it's the emptiness? Everytime i see an elderly, i would think of my ah ma. Seeing a couple bringing their grandmother for lunch, i wished i could do that and immediately i lost my appetite... But when lunch was at MacDonalds, I wish i could tell the couple to have healthier food instead. As i watched the grandma eat, it reminds me of my ah ma having problems eating with her dentures...

I hope i can recover soon... I dont want to affect my performance, neither do i want it to be an excuse i could not perform... For the commissioning parade, i could not remember whether we are allowed to bring 5 guests... My family makes up 4 guests and the last guest on the list which used to be filled is now vacant...