part of the game... pic with a girl
here i come... finishing line
then came my team with bicycle...
our infamous gasp
something off topic that i want! NANO...
Sunday, September 25, 2005
..:: 347. The One With Survey ::..
| The Keys to Your Heart |
 You are attracted to obedience and warmth. In love, you feel the most alive when everything is uncertain, one moment heaven... the next moment hell. You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage. In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now. |
Saturday, September 24, 2005
..:: 346. The One With Aftermath ::..
Sun sept 11, went to padang like 4+ am... cos i tok a cab with my friend who participated in the competitive 21km. We were made to run the 12.6km. so angry... not because i dun wanna run... i wanna run 21 km instead! arghz...
perhaps first time running such long distances, my heart had irregular beats a few times throughout the race... i kept on going... and wasonce again pleasantly satisifed with my performance... came back one of the earliest... and never stopped throughout the race :) while most people bua-long-long (daringly: if there's such a word) strolling to finish line.
i didnt feel good when i first saw my coursemates... perhaps i have been away from some time and luckily i saw many of my bmt mates who were there :) most of them got monday off for running the race, well our prog so packed so mon off is definitely out of question. when i went back to camp on sunday night, i realised we were supposed to have half a day off but apparently denied as well... maybe will return us as off-in-lieu.
Monday. we were expecting EX LION which is a bridge survey mission. However we didnt expect it to start so early like 8am! We got turned out and OC dropped a bomb... 'The current PCs will be the exercise PCs'. I almost flipped. Got a brief order and had to plan and give orders to my men... the process is painful... super rush and you have to multi-task. My lunch and dinner were packed :( Luckily the whole exercise went smoothly despite the instructors gave us surprise scenarios to see how to handle situational changes... it was rather easy i must say, have to produce a written report also, sian.
Thursday. The whole week was rather slack with lots of lecture from the chemical def and explosive units... interesting but i had to constantly check my platoon to see if anyone dozes off... got to know that i was charged for a silly mistake. i kept a diskette which stored the platoon nominal roll for turn out which was a contraband item... whats worse was the instructors knew i had the diskette but still without signing the letter of authority.. possession of such storage devices is still chargable... got 7 days of stoppages of leave = confined over the weekend. The instructors who knew abt my case all shook their heads when they saw me... 'why you so suay'. luckily the charge will not affect my performance in the course. phew.
Actually confinement for me was a good thing. firstly i could spend quality time studying for EX WOLF and upcoming major exercises... normally at home i wont be studying as hard. One of my instructors was damn nice... gave us the key to one of the room where there was tv and computer. I was made the IC for the SOL group which consisted of 8 men. We were tasked to write an essay of 1500 words on officership each, clean toilet and do up boards for the upcoming EX WOLF.
Sunday. It was a sleepless night... Was disappointed with some of my platoon mates who booked in so late like 2200 onwards to pass us the stuff to do the boards. It was a tedious process... In the end, everyone could sleep only after 0230after all the boards have been done... of course everyone was grumbling they should not have booked in early (supposed book in timing was monday morning 6am) and the lack of sleep...
I am quite happy with my performance in admin part of the course... My CPC tour and the tasks OC gave me, i managed to do it without instructors screaming at me... perhaps except area cleaning.. but that one really no choice. every set of appointment holders sure kena gan but sometimes it's really no time to clean or it will still be dirty after cleaning.
Arghz my bunk is in a mess... that was one thing i didnt do which was to pack up during my confinement. Mr NICE instructor also booked in on sunday and bought supper for the confinees... Wah we worshipped and adored him... lol
EX WOLF was nothing... I was made 'man-mode'. Was kinda disappointed cos i didnt learn much... it was an exercise for us to refresh what we have learnt and let those cross-overs to familiarise.
Then frightening experience started... i was feeling weird why OC didnt turn us out on mon when EX WOLF started... as every week confirm will have one... Also, we slept like 10pm on tuesday night... Most of them stayed up and studied for landmine warfare which was a 3-day fieldcamp-cum-ex. I was glad i didnt stay up. At about 0350, there were shoutings along the corridor. I jumped out of my bed and realised a few instructors were standing at the corridor shouting at us... It took me quite some time to realise what my cadet wing commander (CWC) wanted us to do - 7 min turn out... (not i blur but no one echoed down what the instructions were and the CWC came out after like a min later and really shouted loud enough)
Well, i think we met the timing... cos we were not made to re-do (aka samula). Then after at about 0430, they read out the appointment holders for the ex. I heaved a sigh of relief. The specialists were surprised at our turn-out for mission... cos they heard all the shouting in the parade square. lol.
Oh well, cut the story short, the minefield camp was quite slack. Except building one takes about 5 hours, super tedious... our first ground was not even solid ground... my sector was waterlogged... full of mud. i had to use my bare hands to lay and arm the mines... into the MUD! disgusting. Was really scared of soil diseases and bacteria... They can kill, you know! My boots and uniform gone with the mud. As i digged the hole, i got to taste the splash of mud... :)
We worked throughout the night and only got to sleep inside a tonner with another 19 men after 0100 in dirty uniforms and smelly feet as everyone was 'airing' theirs. In the morning we were supposed to retrieve all the mines. I got problem getting back one of the mines... i was freaked out... and got cut by something as i frantically dug my hands into the mud everywhere just to find the last mine. It bled quite badly... 2LT Gilbert jokingly told the medic to amputate if it's serious and i dont find it funny though.
Luckily i found the last one. phew. platoon 1 could not account for the last mine by stipulated time, they had to samula! the last thing you ever want is to re-do the mindfield... After being tekan by the OC, the OC asked them to re-do the whole minefield. We were shocked but nevertheless we were asked to proceed with our next task which was to build a mine cluster. Our chief instructor suggested to do it in a more practical way so we had to dig from crusher-run, gravel roads! We digged until the pick axe and changkol landed in all sorts of position and we made all sorts of noises, groaning, yelling, cursing and swearing.
By evening, we were made to lift the mine cluster after platoon 1 had seen our sample... cos i think they got 'samula' again. This time i think it was for their slow response...
We then proceeded to night marking... i mean training in saf sometimes can be quite tedious... i mean if you can shoot and take azimuth (bearing) at night which was more challenging.. of course you can do it in the day... why do one at night and in the day? We started building at 2200 but luckily the instructors 'samula' us when we were still in our marking phase... cos the direction of minefield was off... WE re-did at 0030 and finished building at 0555. The instructors were impressed with us... Not much sleep leh, what you think... The ground was evening worse... Super muddy and the area was much bigger = build a bigger minefield.
After breakfast, we could see platoon 1 running the circumference of their minefield... i just shook my head, why they so suay? Then warrant choy came to inspect our minefield... Super lucky x2, he inspected one of our lanes and it was very well done, measurements were accurate and the digging were up to the required dimensions... We were told to lift the minefield :) As we lifted the minefield, we saw platoon 1 also lifting theirs... i thought we should out-do platoon 1. In the end, i came to know, they 'samula' again. *faints*. This time dunno why. Must go check with them. poor jeremy and samuel... lol..
We also had our scare... We could not find our last mine... We had to send 5 men to surrender their mine prodders and prone on the mudfield using bayonet to find the last mine. Well, i just went along... anyway dirty already, what's there to be afraid of. But by lunch time, we managed to find it back. phew. i mean our platoon was really on lucky streak. firstly we lost a metal pin of 30cm long during fencing for mine cluster... secondly, we lost a base plate during fencing for minefield. thirdly, we could not account for 2 safety clips. Lastly two of our guys lost their mine prodders. But at the end of the day, all were retrieved. We started unpacking all the stuff and checked for stores... By 1600, we even got the field latrines and admin tentages dismantled, ready to go. Platoon 1 was still kena tekan, in push-up positions... As we left the place, we saw platoon one still building! this time was mine cluster on softer ground. phew. but still, i bet they were super demoralised or as they claimed numb, they can even build a minefiled with their eyes closed.
So here i am, breathing in the air i missed last week. lol. Tempo picking up, i am more than half-way through the course... field fortification coming up and EX MUSANG... after which local summary exercise EX UNICORN and off to Crescendo-thailand...
Wish me luck :)
Dip me in chocolate and call me a dessert
Hit this *Lifehouse - You and Me
Check this out *
CTW instructors at mooncake festival celebration while we are doing our planning ex!
from left to right:
LTA Clifford Lai(ORD-ing), LTA Lee Swee Guan (weird laughing noise), 2LT Ngan Guoyang (pissed me off initially at the APB test but now my friend liao after my CPC tour, lol), 2LT Kenneth (offering his ass aka the punisher: See footnote), 2LT Fong Yifeng (Nice Guy, the above mentioned), LTA Kelvin Lee (everytime he appears on fri night = we book out on sat morning), Warrant Choy (aka appointment-holders confiner), 2LT Gilbert (always seem to find trouble for me: See footnote), LTA Irene Tan (super nice, our 2IC, she's like lavender-relieve stress), LTA Benson Tan (in black, always megawatt smile, he made headlines man), CPT Ong Wee Kwang (who can forget this name, our dearest OC and his famous black car which we always hoped not to see), 2LT Lim Her-yi (nags a lot like cartoon like dat... but gd intentions la), MAJ Michael Yau (our chief instructor-very knowledgable, funny man)
Footnote:
Punisher? He made cadets write lots of essay... like 5000 words on rifle aftr he stunned one of the cadets. 1500 words on why first aid dressing was seen protroding out of the pocket... etc
find trouble? He stunned my key during one of the stand-by and made me write essay... if u remember one of my previous posts. He was the one who conducted the stand-by universe and found the diskette... The not-so-funny instructor :)
Effect of photo: hopefully the next time i curse and swear or complain about certain instructor, you can give me your moral support by throwing darts? :)
Sun sept 11, went to padang like 4+ am... cos i tok a cab with my friend who participated in the competitive 21km. We were made to run the 12.6km. so angry... not because i dun wanna run... i wanna run 21 km instead! arghz...
perhaps first time running such long distances, my heart had irregular beats a few times throughout the race... i kept on going... and wasonce again pleasantly satisifed with my performance... came back one of the earliest... and never stopped throughout the race :) while most people bua-long-long (daringly: if there's such a word) strolling to finish line.
i didnt feel good when i first saw my coursemates... perhaps i have been away from some time and luckily i saw many of my bmt mates who were there :) most of them got monday off for running the race, well our prog so packed so mon off is definitely out of question. when i went back to camp on sunday night, i realised we were supposed to have half a day off but apparently denied as well... maybe will return us as off-in-lieu.
Monday. we were expecting EX LION which is a bridge survey mission. However we didnt expect it to start so early like 8am! We got turned out and OC dropped a bomb... 'The current PCs will be the exercise PCs'. I almost flipped. Got a brief order and had to plan and give orders to my men... the process is painful... super rush and you have to multi-task. My lunch and dinner were packed :( Luckily the whole exercise went smoothly despite the instructors gave us surprise scenarios to see how to handle situational changes... it was rather easy i must say, have to produce a written report also, sian.
Thursday. The whole week was rather slack with lots of lecture from the chemical def and explosive units... interesting but i had to constantly check my platoon to see if anyone dozes off... got to know that i was charged for a silly mistake. i kept a diskette which stored the platoon nominal roll for turn out which was a contraband item... whats worse was the instructors knew i had the diskette but still without signing the letter of authority.. possession of such storage devices is still chargable... got 7 days of stoppages of leave = confined over the weekend. The instructors who knew abt my case all shook their heads when they saw me... 'why you so suay'. luckily the charge will not affect my performance in the course. phew.
Actually confinement for me was a good thing. firstly i could spend quality time studying for EX WOLF and upcoming major exercises... normally at home i wont be studying as hard. One of my instructors was damn nice... gave us the key to one of the room where there was tv and computer. I was made the IC for the SOL group which consisted of 8 men. We were tasked to write an essay of 1500 words on officership each, clean toilet and do up boards for the upcoming EX WOLF.
Sunday. It was a sleepless night... Was disappointed with some of my platoon mates who booked in so late like 2200 onwards to pass us the stuff to do the boards. It was a tedious process... In the end, everyone could sleep only after 0230after all the boards have been done... of course everyone was grumbling they should not have booked in early (supposed book in timing was monday morning 6am) and the lack of sleep...
I am quite happy with my performance in admin part of the course... My CPC tour and the tasks OC gave me, i managed to do it without instructors screaming at me... perhaps except area cleaning.. but that one really no choice. every set of appointment holders sure kena gan but sometimes it's really no time to clean or it will still be dirty after cleaning.
Arghz my bunk is in a mess... that was one thing i didnt do which was to pack up during my confinement. Mr NICE instructor also booked in on sunday and bought supper for the confinees... Wah we worshipped and adored him... lol
EX WOLF was nothing... I was made 'man-mode'. Was kinda disappointed cos i didnt learn much... it was an exercise for us to refresh what we have learnt and let those cross-overs to familiarise.
Then frightening experience started... i was feeling weird why OC didnt turn us out on mon when EX WOLF started... as every week confirm will have one... Also, we slept like 10pm on tuesday night... Most of them stayed up and studied for landmine warfare which was a 3-day fieldcamp-cum-ex. I was glad i didnt stay up. At about 0350, there were shoutings along the corridor. I jumped out of my bed and realised a few instructors were standing at the corridor shouting at us... It took me quite some time to realise what my cadet wing commander (CWC) wanted us to do - 7 min turn out... (not i blur but no one echoed down what the instructions were and the CWC came out after like a min later and really shouted loud enough)
Well, i think we met the timing... cos we were not made to re-do (aka samula). Then after at about 0430, they read out the appointment holders for the ex. I heaved a sigh of relief. The specialists were surprised at our turn-out for mission... cos they heard all the shouting in the parade square. lol.
Oh well, cut the story short, the minefield camp was quite slack. Except building one takes about 5 hours, super tedious... our first ground was not even solid ground... my sector was waterlogged... full of mud. i had to use my bare hands to lay and arm the mines... into the MUD! disgusting. Was really scared of soil diseases and bacteria... They can kill, you know! My boots and uniform gone with the mud. As i digged the hole, i got to taste the splash of mud... :)
We worked throughout the night and only got to sleep inside a tonner with another 19 men after 0100 in dirty uniforms and smelly feet as everyone was 'airing' theirs. In the morning we were supposed to retrieve all the mines. I got problem getting back one of the mines... i was freaked out... and got cut by something as i frantically dug my hands into the mud everywhere just to find the last mine. It bled quite badly... 2LT Gilbert jokingly told the medic to amputate if it's serious and i dont find it funny though.
Luckily i found the last one. phew. platoon 1 could not account for the last mine by stipulated time, they had to samula! the last thing you ever want is to re-do the mindfield... After being tekan by the OC, the OC asked them to re-do the whole minefield. We were shocked but nevertheless we were asked to proceed with our next task which was to build a mine cluster. Our chief instructor suggested to do it in a more practical way so we had to dig from crusher-run, gravel roads! We digged until the pick axe and changkol landed in all sorts of position and we made all sorts of noises, groaning, yelling, cursing and swearing.
By evening, we were made to lift the mine cluster after platoon 1 had seen our sample... cos i think they got 'samula' again. This time i think it was for their slow response...
We then proceeded to night marking... i mean training in saf sometimes can be quite tedious... i mean if you can shoot and take azimuth (bearing) at night which was more challenging.. of course you can do it in the day... why do one at night and in the day? We started building at 2200 but luckily the instructors 'samula' us when we were still in our marking phase... cos the direction of minefield was off... WE re-did at 0030 and finished building at 0555. The instructors were impressed with us... Not much sleep leh, what you think... The ground was evening worse... Super muddy and the area was much bigger = build a bigger minefield.
After breakfast, we could see platoon 1 running the circumference of their minefield... i just shook my head, why they so suay? Then warrant choy came to inspect our minefield... Super lucky x2, he inspected one of our lanes and it was very well done, measurements were accurate and the digging were up to the required dimensions... We were told to lift the minefield :) As we lifted the minefield, we saw platoon 1 also lifting theirs... i thought we should out-do platoon 1. In the end, i came to know, they 'samula' again. *faints*. This time dunno why. Must go check with them. poor jeremy and samuel... lol..
We also had our scare... We could not find our last mine... We had to send 5 men to surrender their mine prodders and prone on the mudfield using bayonet to find the last mine. Well, i just went along... anyway dirty already, what's there to be afraid of. But by lunch time, we managed to find it back. phew. i mean our platoon was really on lucky streak. firstly we lost a metal pin of 30cm long during fencing for mine cluster... secondly, we lost a base plate during fencing for minefield. thirdly, we could not account for 2 safety clips. Lastly two of our guys lost their mine prodders. But at the end of the day, all were retrieved. We started unpacking all the stuff and checked for stores... By 1600, we even got the field latrines and admin tentages dismantled, ready to go. Platoon 1 was still kena tekan, in push-up positions... As we left the place, we saw platoon one still building! this time was mine cluster on softer ground. phew. but still, i bet they were super demoralised or as they claimed numb, they can even build a minefiled with their eyes closed.
So here i am, breathing in the air i missed last week. lol. Tempo picking up, i am more than half-way through the course... field fortification coming up and EX MUSANG... after which local summary exercise EX UNICORN and off to Crescendo-thailand...
Wish me luck :)
Dip me in chocolate and call me a dessert
Hit this *Lifehouse - You and Me
Check this out *
CTW instructors at mooncake festival celebration while we are doing our planning ex!
from left to right:
LTA Clifford Lai(ORD-ing), LTA Lee Swee Guan (weird laughing noise), 2LT Ngan Guoyang (pissed me off initially at the APB test but now my friend liao after my CPC tour, lol), 2LT Kenneth (offering his ass aka the punisher: See footnote), 2LT Fong Yifeng (Nice Guy, the above mentioned), LTA Kelvin Lee (everytime he appears on fri night = we book out on sat morning), Warrant Choy (aka appointment-holders confiner), 2LT Gilbert (always seem to find trouble for me: See footnote), LTA Irene Tan (super nice, our 2IC, she's like lavender-relieve stress), LTA Benson Tan (in black, always megawatt smile, he made headlines man), CPT Ong Wee Kwang (who can forget this name, our dearest OC and his famous black car which we always hoped not to see), 2LT Lim Her-yi (nags a lot like cartoon like dat... but gd intentions la), MAJ Michael Yau (our chief instructor-very knowledgable, funny man)
Footnote:
Punisher? He made cadets write lots of essay... like 5000 words on rifle aftr he stunned one of the cadets. 1500 words on why first aid dressing was seen protroding out of the pocket... etc
find trouble? He stunned my key during one of the stand-by and made me write essay... if u remember one of my previous posts. He was the one who conducted the stand-by universe and found the diskette... The not-so-funny instructor :)
Effect of photo: hopefully the next time i curse and swear or complain about certain instructor, you can give me your moral support by throwing darts? :)
Sunday, September 11, 2005
..:: 345. The One With Depression ::..
Friday night was the last night i have with ah ma. I chose to stay up the whole night, let my dad and my relatives sleep as they had been kept busy since tuesday. My coursemates had a 5-hr stand-by bed and area that led to them having to book out on sat morning, instead of fri night. Then, heard lots of stories or rather updates for the week from my 2 buddies...
I was quite disgusted to know that my OC actually yelled at my instructor who gave me leave till sat. Why so long? i mean, i wanted to go back on thur but wasnt allowed as it was live firing and i might not be able to concentrate. Fair enough... Fri was important as it was last day of prayers so obviously i cant book in. Tue i booked out to see my ah ma in icu who fought on till wed when she had seen everyone she wanted... So now tell me which part of the compassionate leave that you think is too long? I know that the OC maybe concerned that i might miss out a lot of things and he would not want to put me out of course for that. Maybe i'm just feeling sensitive and edgy...
Sat. where the journey ends. Everyone gathered to see ah ma off... As we put flowers on top of the coffin, to the dismantling of the tentage, to the coffin being lifted, there was lots of tears... I fought back my tears, believing that she would be able to rest in peace if i did not cry. As everyone walked behind the vehicle carrying the coffin, the music that came out from the vehicle, i was 'shattered'. The vehicle had to make a planned route which bypass my ah ma's house... Everytime after visiting her, she would stand at the window or the corridor to wave us goodbye as we head to take bus. I looked up at the window and i realised what i'm feeling now is exactly what she's feeling everytime she sees us home.
Mandai Crematorium and Columbarium. As we moved off, it started to rain heavily... I chose to believe that someone must be crying over her... I saw the digital screen showing the service hall number and the name of the deceased. I just shook my head and headed to SH 3. Inside we gave our last prayer and i could see water dripping down from the photoframe. it really looked like my ah ma was crying... Especially it was drop by drop and from her eyes...
The door of the furnace opened Didnt want to use incinerator as the dictionary mentioned 'wastes'... As the coffin inched automatically into the furnace, shrieks, yelling (you know what i mean) just came out uncontrollably... My auntie collapsed to the floor after yelling 'ah ma, rest in peace ar... you left us suddenly without giving us any warning...' and all the crying just amplified.
Till now, i think i am having some kind of depression. It goes on and off... Perhaps it's the guilt? or perhaps it's the emptiness? Everytime i see an elderly, i would think of my ah ma. Seeing a couple bringing their grandmother for lunch, i wished i could do that and immediately i lost my appetite... But when lunch was at MacDonalds, I wish i could tell the couple to have healthier food instead. As i watched the grandma eat, it reminds me of my ah ma having problems eating with her dentures...
I hope i can recover soon... I dont want to affect my performance, neither do i want it to be an excuse i could not perform... For the commissioning parade, i could not remember whether we are allowed to bring 5 guests... My family makes up 4 guests and the last guest on the list which used to be filled is now vacant...
Friday night was the last night i have with ah ma. I chose to stay up the whole night, let my dad and my relatives sleep as they had been kept busy since tuesday. My coursemates had a 5-hr stand-by bed and area that led to them having to book out on sat morning, instead of fri night. Then, heard lots of stories or rather updates for the week from my 2 buddies...
I was quite disgusted to know that my OC actually yelled at my instructor who gave me leave till sat. Why so long? i mean, i wanted to go back on thur but wasnt allowed as it was live firing and i might not be able to concentrate. Fair enough... Fri was important as it was last day of prayers so obviously i cant book in. Tue i booked out to see my ah ma in icu who fought on till wed when she had seen everyone she wanted... So now tell me which part of the compassionate leave that you think is too long? I know that the OC maybe concerned that i might miss out a lot of things and he would not want to put me out of course for that. Maybe i'm just feeling sensitive and edgy...
Sat. where the journey ends. Everyone gathered to see ah ma off... As we put flowers on top of the coffin, to the dismantling of the tentage, to the coffin being lifted, there was lots of tears... I fought back my tears, believing that she would be able to rest in peace if i did not cry. As everyone walked behind the vehicle carrying the coffin, the music that came out from the vehicle, i was 'shattered'. The vehicle had to make a planned route which bypass my ah ma's house... Everytime after visiting her, she would stand at the window or the corridor to wave us goodbye as we head to take bus. I looked up at the window and i realised what i'm feeling now is exactly what she's feeling everytime she sees us home.
Mandai Crematorium and Columbarium. As we moved off, it started to rain heavily... I chose to believe that someone must be crying over her... I saw the digital screen showing the service hall number and the name of the deceased. I just shook my head and headed to SH 3. Inside we gave our last prayer and i could see water dripping down from the photoframe. it really looked like my ah ma was crying... Especially it was drop by drop and from her eyes...
The door of the furnace opened Didnt want to use incinerator as the dictionary mentioned 'wastes'... As the coffin inched automatically into the furnace, shrieks, yelling (you know what i mean) just came out uncontrollably... My auntie collapsed to the floor after yelling 'ah ma, rest in peace ar... you left us suddenly without giving us any warning...' and all the crying just amplified.
Till now, i think i am having some kind of depression. It goes on and off... Perhaps it's the guilt? or perhaps it's the emptiness? Everytime i see an elderly, i would think of my ah ma. Seeing a couple bringing their grandmother for lunch, i wished i could do that and immediately i lost my appetite... But when lunch was at MacDonalds, I wish i could tell the couple to have healthier food instead. As i watched the grandma eat, it reminds me of my ah ma having problems eating with her dentures...
I hope i can recover soon... I dont want to affect my performance, neither do i want it to be an excuse i could not perform... For the commissioning parade, i could not remember whether we are allowed to bring 5 guests... My family makes up 4 guests and the last guest on the list which used to be filled is now vacant...
Thursday, September 08, 2005
..:: 344. The One With Wake ::..
Well 'hosting' a wake was never a thing i wanted to do... relatives started 'pouring' in... Some of whom i have never seen before. Darn, i hate those young teenagers who came and waved the joss sticks half-heartedly... Somemore dressed so inappropriately... At the wake, i cant help but think, is it that a person has to die then everyone will gather and catch up with each other? Seriously, some 'distant' relatives are really 'distant' cos i have never seen them at all... Probably i might have offered them seats in the public transport without realising we are related...
I was kept busy serving those who came over, based on tradition, my dad and i had to kneel everytime there is anyone offering incense sticks... Everyone confirm say 'wah, they all grow so big and tall liao... wow, all grown up liao...' whenever my sisters and i visit any table... The only question they could engage us was 'what are you doing now?' Then they will proceed talking in hokkien which the three of us understood but no inputs...
Yesterday was a new experience, i stayed overnight, keeping myself awake, at the same time prepare myself not to sleep during exercises... all the way till morning then i could sleep... beside a coffin. woo... there was nothing to be scared of... it's still my grandmother...
Today was the start of prayers... i was shocked at the sudden influx of people.. abt forty plus... young and old... i thought what happened... they were volunteers of this organisation where they go around giving prayers... Volunteers as old as my grandmother were there... As they were chanting, i thought of my grandmother... three things abt her that would make me weep instantly... firstly, the thought that everything happened so fast... she was fit and healthy... out of the sudden, she just left. it's still so hard to believe. secondly, the look at her picture... all the love and concern she had showered on me (and my sisters). Everytime i disagree with my parents, i would ask her for advice... She would normally have the final say... Now, if i go visit my uncle, i would definitely feel the emptiness.. just like today, i went with my dad and uncle to dismantle her bed... Now, that vacancy = a hole in my heart... lastly, there was so much things i havent done or say to her as a grandson... I guess is this sudden emptiness that is upsetting me... So much to do and say ...
My eyes kinda swollen frm the crying... As they were chanting, i really could not control myself... For all that she had done, i had not been a gd grandson. The first time i saw her unveiled from the white cloth from the mortuary, i would never forget that sight... She has shrunk so much, bony fingers, her head tilted back with her tongue sitting in the gap for her dentures... The sound of the machine whenever there was flunctuations... The pumping of air from the respirator... the rising and falling of her chest and the gasping of air... the green straight line...
It still hurts after so long...
I wasnt as strong as i thought i would be...
Well 'hosting' a wake was never a thing i wanted to do... relatives started 'pouring' in... Some of whom i have never seen before. Darn, i hate those young teenagers who came and waved the joss sticks half-heartedly... Somemore dressed so inappropriately... At the wake, i cant help but think, is it that a person has to die then everyone will gather and catch up with each other? Seriously, some 'distant' relatives are really 'distant' cos i have never seen them at all... Probably i might have offered them seats in the public transport without realising we are related...
I was kept busy serving those who came over, based on tradition, my dad and i had to kneel everytime there is anyone offering incense sticks... Everyone confirm say 'wah, they all grow so big and tall liao... wow, all grown up liao...' whenever my sisters and i visit any table... The only question they could engage us was 'what are you doing now?' Then they will proceed talking in hokkien which the three of us understood but no inputs...
Yesterday was a new experience, i stayed overnight, keeping myself awake, at the same time prepare myself not to sleep during exercises... all the way till morning then i could sleep... beside a coffin. woo... there was nothing to be scared of... it's still my grandmother...
Today was the start of prayers... i was shocked at the sudden influx of people.. abt forty plus... young and old... i thought what happened... they were volunteers of this organisation where they go around giving prayers... Volunteers as old as my grandmother were there... As they were chanting, i thought of my grandmother... three things abt her that would make me weep instantly... firstly, the thought that everything happened so fast... she was fit and healthy... out of the sudden, she just left. it's still so hard to believe. secondly, the look at her picture... all the love and concern she had showered on me (and my sisters). Everytime i disagree with my parents, i would ask her for advice... She would normally have the final say... Now, if i go visit my uncle, i would definitely feel the emptiness.. just like today, i went with my dad and uncle to dismantle her bed... Now, that vacancy = a hole in my heart... lastly, there was so much things i havent done or say to her as a grandson... I guess is this sudden emptiness that is upsetting me... So much to do and say ...
My eyes kinda swollen frm the crying... As they were chanting, i really could not control myself... For all that she had done, i had not been a gd grandson. The first time i saw her unveiled from the white cloth from the mortuary, i would never forget that sight... She has shrunk so much, bony fingers, her head tilted back with her tongue sitting in the gap for her dentures... The sound of the machine whenever there was flunctuations... The pumping of air from the respirator... the rising and falling of her chest and the gasping of air... the green straight line...
It still hurts after so long...
I wasnt as strong as i thought i would be...
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
..:: 343. The One With Demise ::..
Yup. My grandmother passed on at CGH this afternoon after battling since monday morning... She suffered a stroke and her pulse and heartbeat dropped half when i visited her today compared to yesterday.
Yesterday evening, my wing SM told me to book out immediately cos my grandmother's condition was critical. my heart dropped. i ran all the way out to get a cab, praying intensely thru out the ride. Lots of things flashed thru my mind...
About a month ago, i began pestering my sis to accompany me to visit my grandmother... dunno where this sudden feeling to visit her came over me... In the end, two weeks ago, i did. Just last week, i already planned to have breakfast with my grandmother but unfortunately, appt holders had to book in at 1pm as area cleaning was not well done.
Regret is definitely too late... I dun blame the wing SM for making us book in early... As 'youngsters', we always think we have a lot of time to do things but i forgot my grandmother does not. Initially, i was sad, but now the more i think, the more i am depressed...
Whats worse, she treated us (my sisters and i) the best cos my dad is her eldest son. I spent my childhood with my grandmother... She worked her life to get my uncle into university... when we were young,we used to have about 5-6 meals per day... Breakfast, 'after-market' meal, lunch, tea break, dinner, supper... She still cooks food for us, but my younger sis got the chance to taste the last meal she ever cooked... She wanted to cook for me on sunday, the usual day.. but i had live firing...
Now whenever i do area cleaning, i would think of her... she cleaned the whole house by herself... and its really super clean... you will not find any dust... i really enjoy that clean environment and everything is just so neat... Every weekend, she would prepare tonic...
Every weekend, she yearns for us to pay her a visit, to talk to her, keep her accompany... Sonetimes when i am out there having fun, i didnt stop and think how lonely it is to just watch tv with a dog... especially when my uncle is a workaholic...
I cried... very badly... cos i remembered the last time i ever see her talking, she still gave me 30 bucks even when i rejected her offer. It was not a very fulfilling visit as that day i had to rush my homework to book in.
In the hospital, i stood by her bedside, telling her to get up, wake up... told her that i am hungry, i miss her food... but its all too late...
i was at the wake in the afternoon, my uncle's dog, gave funny noises, staring at my grandmother with watery eyes... as though it was being slaughtered... that noise i could recognise, the dog misses my grandmother... hearing that, my family and my relatives broke down...
I will never forget the day i visited her, she felt me and said 'le jin ku bo lai liao...' (you haven been here for a long time) the touch i would never get for the rest of my life...
i miss my grandmother...
Yup. My grandmother passed on at CGH this afternoon after battling since monday morning... She suffered a stroke and her pulse and heartbeat dropped half when i visited her today compared to yesterday.
Yesterday evening, my wing SM told me to book out immediately cos my grandmother's condition was critical. my heart dropped. i ran all the way out to get a cab, praying intensely thru out the ride. Lots of things flashed thru my mind...
About a month ago, i began pestering my sis to accompany me to visit my grandmother... dunno where this sudden feeling to visit her came over me... In the end, two weeks ago, i did. Just last week, i already planned to have breakfast with my grandmother but unfortunately, appt holders had to book in at 1pm as area cleaning was not well done.
Regret is definitely too late... I dun blame the wing SM for making us book in early... As 'youngsters', we always think we have a lot of time to do things but i forgot my grandmother does not. Initially, i was sad, but now the more i think, the more i am depressed...
Whats worse, she treated us (my sisters and i) the best cos my dad is her eldest son. I spent my childhood with my grandmother... She worked her life to get my uncle into university... when we were young,we used to have about 5-6 meals per day... Breakfast, 'after-market' meal, lunch, tea break, dinner, supper... She still cooks food for us, but my younger sis got the chance to taste the last meal she ever cooked... She wanted to cook for me on sunday, the usual day.. but i had live firing...
Now whenever i do area cleaning, i would think of her... she cleaned the whole house by herself... and its really super clean... you will not find any dust... i really enjoy that clean environment and everything is just so neat... Every weekend, she would prepare tonic...
Every weekend, she yearns for us to pay her a visit, to talk to her, keep her accompany... Sonetimes when i am out there having fun, i didnt stop and think how lonely it is to just watch tv with a dog... especially when my uncle is a workaholic...
I cried... very badly... cos i remembered the last time i ever see her talking, she still gave me 30 bucks even when i rejected her offer. It was not a very fulfilling visit as that day i had to rush my homework to book in.
In the hospital, i stood by her bedside, telling her to get up, wake up... told her that i am hungry, i miss her food... but its all too late...
i was at the wake in the afternoon, my uncle's dog, gave funny noises, staring at my grandmother with watery eyes... as though it was being slaughtered... that noise i could recognise, the dog misses my grandmother... hearing that, my family and my relatives broke down...
I will never forget the day i visited her, she felt me and said 'le jin ku bo lai liao...' (you haven been here for a long time) the touch i would never get for the rest of my life...
i miss my grandmother...
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