..:: 344. The One With Wake ::..

Well 'hosting' a wake was never a thing i wanted to do... relatives started 'pouring' in... Some of whom i have never seen before. Darn, i hate those young teenagers who came and waved the joss sticks half-heartedly... Somemore dressed so inappropriately... At the wake, i cant help but think, is it that a person has to die then everyone will gather and catch up with each other? Seriously, some 'distant' relatives are really 'distant' cos i have never seen them at all... Probably i might have offered them seats in the public transport without realising we are related...

I was kept busy serving those who came over, based on tradition, my dad and i had to kneel everytime there is anyone offering incense sticks... Everyone confirm say 'wah, they all grow so big and tall liao... wow, all grown up liao...' whenever my sisters and i visit any table... The only question they could engage us was 'what are you doing now?' Then they will proceed talking in hokkien which the three of us understood but no inputs...

Yesterday was a new experience, i stayed overnight, keeping myself awake, at the same time prepare myself not to sleep during exercises... all the way till morning then i could sleep... beside a coffin. woo... there was nothing to be scared of... it's still my grandmother...

Today was the start of prayers... i was shocked at the sudden influx of people.. abt forty plus... young and old... i thought what happened... they were volunteers of this organisation where they go around giving prayers... Volunteers as old as my grandmother were there... As they were chanting, i thought of my grandmother... three things abt her that would make me weep instantly... firstly, the thought that everything happened so fast... she was fit and healthy... out of the sudden, she just left. it's still so hard to believe. secondly, the look at her picture... all the love and concern she had showered on me (and my sisters). Everytime i disagree with my parents, i would ask her for advice... She would normally have the final say... Now, if i go visit my uncle, i would definitely feel the emptiness.. just like today, i went with my dad and uncle to dismantle her bed... Now, that vacancy = a hole in my heart... lastly, there was so much things i havent done or say to her as a grandson... I guess is this sudden emptiness that is upsetting me... So much to do and say ...

My eyes kinda swollen frm the crying... As they were chanting, i really could not control myself... For all that she had done, i had not been a gd grandson. The first time i saw her unveiled from the white cloth from the mortuary, i would never forget that sight... She has shrunk so much, bony fingers, her head tilted back with her tongue sitting in the gap for her dentures... The sound of the machine whenever there was flunctuations... The pumping of air from the respirator... the rising and falling of her chest and the gasping of air... the green straight line...

It still hurts after so long...

I wasnt as strong as i thought i would be...