..:: 450. The One With Results ::..

someone's results were out today and i guess i was more worried.

whatever the results were, i always told myself results are not the most important thing. i had my fair share of bad results and some due to me not studying, while some not studying because of other reasons. depression, the feeling of giving up, feeling hopeless, felt there was no need to study, and so many more.

who do not want to have good results? but when circumstances dont allow, i dont get what i wished for. sometimes it is because i had too high expectations, sometimes i dont even know what i am doing during the exams and hoping i can score well. my jc years were screwed up. firstly, i gave up on myself, no motivation to study... it was a trip downhill and when i 'woke' up and finally wanted to change... it was too late, i could only salvage whatever i could, but not good enough.

but i always believe life will always take a different turn if you are positive enough. recently checked out meaning of a word, d***m: belief in a God who created the world but has since remained indifferent to it.

i choose to believe otherwise. at least not the indifferent part. when there's hope (will), there's a way. there are so many possibilities and alternatives in the path that is untravelled.

when i got my results, didnt dare to tell my parents :( scared they were be too disappointed. ever since i was in secondary school, i had developed the competitive nature. i always wanted to go all out to go into medicine. then when i could not make it, i often ask myself, am i really stupid - trying to be what i never could be? or did i not try hard enough?

i told my uncle and he laughed at me, 'wah with your results, you go study chinese medicine la'. i was heartbroken, devastated...

in the end i told my mum, thinking that she will be disappointed as she always had high expectations of me. it wasnt the case. she sat down and consoled me. she told me 'there are a lot of tests in your life you have to take, things just dont turn out the way you hope this time round.' i never felt that comforted. my mum who had only secondary education could say that to me.

sometimes results dont mean everything. sometimes what you need maybe just someone who cares and listens to you. sometimes you just need to believe yourself and give yourself another chance, even when you think that there are no more chances.

true enough, from the thought of me never ever making to a university, i had offers for 2 scholarships, one in teaching, other in saf. why give up on hope yourself, when god has not? ok, maybe not god, but could be anyone...

i probably got into the university not because of results but of my other attributes. and i thought i should be proud of myself too. sometimes failures are hard to 'swallow' or rather accept, it is probably because you feel that there are others judging you. i have learnt to go easy but of course not giving myself excuses for not doing well but believing that gloating over results is not worthy.
as much as you may feel that your case is worse than mine, you are not alone. confide to someone and dwelling on depression wont make things better.

walk on and you will be pleasantly surprised :)

P.S: there are other things you might be good in. that's why i love to go to less developed countries to do community work, it makes me feel how blessed i am and how much i have take things for granted. like for my friend who had tutored a sec sch boy and he is doing well... 'Hopefully he can change for the better with the positive influence i had'... we do have our strengths :)

i'm surprised by my emotional entry today. my 2 cents worth.